The sap still rises …

I suppose I can trace the beginning of my quest to find and live from my soul back to a time in my life when I could feel myself withering like a parched flower, twisting this way and that to try and find the warm light of approval, to be the person others wanted me to be while losing sight of my truth. 

Photo by Daria Shevtsova on Unsplash

It was a time when my soul was buried in the darkness under a false, harsh light.  A time when creativity was the only place where I could touch my soul. A time when it became my hidden secret, my hidden power, a place where I could release all the pain and frustration that could never be voiced. 

I never shared my words or images.  They were too sacred to be mocked or misunderstood.   Year after year, hidden notebook after hidden notebook, dreams, suppressed emotions, all locked away. 

As my soul shrivelled, my spirit diminished into an efficient model wife and mother, pleasing all, avoiding the sting of criticism that burned my body with shame and the fear of rejection.  From time to time my rebellious spirit surged within me like a volcano fighting for the surface.  But the granite rock held firm.  The fear that its explosive power might destroy all I had built so carefully, held me in check.  External control became internal discipline.  Creativity gave way to productivity. 

It was only when rejection came that I discovered that my soul was stronger than grief or pain.    That I could grow again from my roots to once again feel good enough.  That the sap still rises. Slowly, over months and years, I began to make my way back to my soul, to nurture the seedlings of my curiosity and creativity.   

I can see now that whatever harshness life may bring, we can find our way back to our gentleness.   Life turns many circles, trauma and pain does heal and we can find our true, curious and creative souls again.

Nothing is finite or needs to be fully understood.  We just need to keep absorbing and savouring each day.  All this is life.